Who the fuck is Lemmy?

Lemmy was born on a small farm in the upper Mid-West in a town that shall remain nameless. It was not Oshkosh, WI. Nobody is quite sure how old Lemmy is, but being a CIA operative in the Far East in the fifties he was probably born no later than the mid twenties, probably the late teens. Being a child of the prohibition era would explain his addiction at a very early age to moonshine. To this day Lemmy much prefers the harsh, fiery burn of home-made corn whiskey to that of “finer” brands such as Johhny Walker and Famous Grouse. There is anecdotal evidence that he ran deliveries for Al Capone in Chicago at one point, which, after all, is not that far from not-Oshkosh. It was also during that period in Chicago that Lemmy killed his first man in a fight over a plate of spare ribs at Fat Freddy’s Greasy Spoon, a well known mobster hangout. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves…

It was as a youngster on the farm in not-Oshkosh that Lemmy was first introduced to the delightful world of carnal pleasures. Being the youngest of 18 siblings and the only boy he soon acquired intimate knowledge of the female physiology, hiding under the beds in the girls’ room as he often did at bed time. He did not fully learn about the act of male/female copulation, though, until the age of eight, when he walked in on his parents who never had been too careful about locking the bedroom door when the urge came over them. The very next day he lost his virginity to a knot-hole lubed with udder grease in the outhouse. The world would never be the same again.

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