Who the fuck is Lemmy?

Dear Lemmy!

When we make love my boyfriend likes to finger my asshole. Sometimes when he goes down on me he even licks it. Is this normal? I don’t really mind because it feels sooo good, but it also makes me feel like a slut because I think it may be a little perverse. I mean, the asshole is for shitting, right? So why does it feel so good to be fingered and licked down there? Am I a sicko because I like it?

Sincerely,
Ass Slut

Dear Ass Slut!

He licks your asshole?!? That’s just fucking disgusting! I hope at least you’ve had a good shower before he does this. Eeeww!!! Just kidding! Seriously, pleasure nerves aren’t limited to your pussy alone, they spread around the whole area and a good thumbing/licking of the asshole can result in quite explosive orgasms, as I’m sure you know. You might even want to try a vibrating buttplug, they’re available in many shapes and forms in sex toy stores. Don’t ever be ashamed of what you and your consenting partner(s) do. Instead of feeling guilty about your anal cravings, offer yourself up to your boyfriend and demand your pleasures. I betcha he’ll respond in ernest!

Perversely Yours,
Lemmy

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Dear Lemmy

I’m writing to you to see if I can get some good advice on something you might consider a "strange" problem. Most all the time it’s always talked about what turns women on, but god damn it, what the heck turns men on? I’m not talking about the usual tits and butts stuff, there’s gotta be more than that. Aren’t you men at all turned on by more subtle means? I’m having problems arousing my husband’s "interest" and maybe it’s because we’ve been married too darn long, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet, and I still want some. I just can’t seem to catch his attention with anything. I’m not really a dilly dally liking to parade around in sexy lingerie. Wondering what kind of advice you might have.

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife

Your problem isn’t strange at all. Most husbands grow tired of their wives at some point or another. This is what keeps the divorce lawyers in business. What turns a man on? A stunningly beautiful, barely legal teenager with a perfect body, below average IQ, preferably low self esteem and an insatiable appetite for kinky, wild sex! Just kidding.

Seriously though, there could be many reasons for your husbands lack of interest. How long have you been married? More than a couple of years and boredom can set in due to same-old, same-old. By now he can probably see you in your knickers without getting a hard-on, so you might want to reconsider your aversion to fancy underwear; to most men this is a turn-on.

And may I ask what you have done to address this problem? You say you can’t catch his attention with anything, but what have you actually tried?

My advice to you would be to get up off of your fat ass and face the problem head on. Try something new. Wake him up with a blowjob in the morning. Agree to whatever perverse activities he likes. Oh hell, I don’t know your husband, but you do! What are you asking me for? Who do you think I am, dr. Ruth? You probably know the answer anyway. If everything else fails let him fuck you in the ass, that seems to work most of the time. Or come to me and I’ll give you a good fuck. When he finds out he’ll divorce you and the problem is solved once and for all. Good luck.

Lemmy

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Q: Dear Lemmy,

On all the porn websites I visit most of the women have shaved their pussies and I think it’s really sexy. I’ve asked my wife to shave hers, but she won’t. She says it’s perverse. What should I do?

Frustrated

A: Dear Frustrated,

I have very strong feelings about female bushes. While I’m not at all a fan of going completely bald, which seems very much to be in vogue these days, I think an untrimmed bush is not a pretty sight at all, particularly in women with a tendency for heavy growth. If no-one else is around and the woman is otherwise attractive I may bite the bullet and work my way through the thicket, but I definitely prefer a neatly trimmed bush.

There are two aspects of a bush to keep in mind: The actual length of hair and the coverage, and both need to be groomed properly. Personally I prefer a neat little wedge atop the pussy, nothing on the sides and nothing towards the perineum or anus (both are a favorite for many women when it comes to oral stimulation, but you ain’t gettin’ none from me if there’s a jungle down there!). And please, maintain it daily! Nothing is worse than stubble.

Have you tried to ask your wife to make the shaving itself a part of your foreplay? Offer to do it for her, but needless to say you need to be careful; it’s a sensitive area and razors are sharp! Done right it can be a very pleasurable experience for both of you.

If she still won’t do it I guess it’s just a matter of how important it is to you. You can refuse to have sex with her until she’s taken care of business, but that might effectively put an end to your sex life altogether if she’s a real prude. I hope everything works out for you.

Best regards,
Lemmy

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Q: In this day and age of political correctness, what is your stance on domestic discipline? Personally I discipline my wife by one means or another (usually I spank her) whenever she misbehaves, but I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I’m too old-fashioned about this. Some of our friends reacted rather badly recently when I pulled her over my lap at a barbeque and raised her skirt for a few good wacks because she forgot to bring the potato salad.

Sincerely,
Old School

A: Dear Old School,

I see your problem, really I do. I too am rather old school with regards to domestic discipline and corporal punishment. Although I’m not presently attached I have been married nine times and all of my former wives have at some time felt the back of my hand, a hair brush, a rolled up newspaper or a fly swatter on their upturned, bare buttocks, and I sincerely feel that it helped preserve our marital bliss and prolong our marriages.

Ideally I think all wives should be punished at least once a week whether you’ve caught them in any wrongdoing or not. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Here are a few hints you might want to consider when punishing your wife:

• As you’ve already noticed, some people might take offence if you decide to address any issues instantly and on the spot. Better to save it for when you get home.
• If your wife begs and pleads for mercy, don’t let her tears soften you. She deservers a good spanking for whatever it was she did, and leniency will only come back to bite you later.
• Some women (quite a few in my experience) may actually enjoy a good handspanking and even act up to provoke one. So don’t make the mistake of laying it on too lightly. She really has to feel those whacks! It may even be necessary to employ the use of some form of implement to ensure that the spanking has the desired effect. Experiment with the old staples like a hairbrush, a slipper, a long ruler etc.
• If your wife is a feisty sort and resists punishment you may have to tie her down. Keep a few lengths of rope in the house for this purpose and make sure that any such uppetiness is clearly addressed when deciding on the severity of her punishment.
• Make sure the punishment fits the crime. For general discipline I’d suggest no less than 25 whacks with your open palm on top of her her panties. For more serious infractions the panties definitely have to come down and 50 whacks might be more appropriate. For really big stuff, like burning dinner etc, 50-100 strokes with a ruler would be my minimum, and I definitely would not stop until I had produced tears. But each marriage is different and your own experience with your wife must be what guides you when measuring out the punishment.
• Finally, make sure your wife knows you are punishing her because you love her; when the spanking is over always reward her for being a trooper and give her a good, hard fuck!

Best of luck Old School, let me know how it goes.

Sincerely,
Lemmy

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From an embarrased reader who asked to remain anonymous, we received the following e-mail:

“I have a really small dick and it’s embarrassing when I’m in the locker room with other men. After working out in the White House gym with Donny Rumsfeld the other day I could tell he was snickering at me behind my back. I think he may have told others on my staff about the size of my johnson too, because I just ran into Condie in the West Wing and for no reason at all she started giggling like a school girl and excused herself to go to the ladies room. The Secret Service agents outside the Oval Office are giving me snide looks too. This really pisses me off. I think I’m gonna invade North Korea, that’s how fuckin’ mad I am right now. I’ve been dying to try them nukyelar WMDs anyway.

Laura says my pecker is just fine. She says that size doesn’t matter. Is that true? I hate it when people misunderestimate me.

Anonymous”

Here’s Lemmy’s response:

“Any woman who says that size doesn’t matter is a lying bitch. They’re all a bunch of lying bitches anyway, but if they tell you that a small cock is as good as a big one they’re big fat liars (and probaly lesbians too). I’m hung like a horse (literally - I’ve had a transplant), and all the women I’ve been with have said it was the most amazing ride of their life. I’ve got really big balls too, in every sense of the word. They’re so big that when I fuck a woman she gets more of an ass whooping than anything else, but I like giving women ass whoopings, so that’s fine I guess.

Just how small is your dick anyway? 5 inches? 3? 2? Do you have to coax it out with candy and tweezers? Your cock is just like any other muscle; use it or loose it. You’re probably not fucking enough. When I was eight I lost my virginity to a knot hole in the outhouse and I haven’t looked back since. You need to fuck at least once a day just to maintain your size, more if you want to grow. I’m guessing Laura is your wife, so you need to fuck her more than you’re doing right now. Try fucking her in the ass. On most women (but not all) the ass is tighter than the pussy, offering more resistance, thus greater growth potential. Just clean up well when you’re done. And this Condie woman you mentioned; fuck her in the ass too if you aren’t doing so already.

If you’re not able to get more fucking into your schedule, masturbating will get the job done, but it requires hard work, damn hard work. No more soapy shower jobs boy! Get an old, rough work glove and spank that monkey 5-6 times a day at least, but be prepared to wait a few months for any appreciable results to show. As a last resort try fucking Donny Rumsfeld in the ass. Best of luck and let me know how it goes!

Lemmy”

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